Right, this is a real stinker of a word. Useless. Rubbish. No idea what it meant when I first heard Katja use it the other day on the way to see "Skyfall". OK, I know that Wand means "wall" And auf sort of means "on" or "up". So "upwall" right? Wrong. Apparently it means "effort" or "cost", for some odd reason. Oh and before you try, don't even bother looking up its Wikipedia entry, because it links to the even more eye-poppingly scary word Aufwandsentschädigung. No, don't ask me either.

I do quite like bunging some chicken thighs in the oven at 230C alongside some potatoes for a quick and easy roast dinner – something I learnt off Jamie Oliver I think. But I had always wondered why thigh in German was this ludicrously long word Oberschenkel. In fact, the meaning is clear when you realise that a Schenkel is basically the same word as "shank", as in a lamb shank, which is a juicy leg joint you have to slow cook. Nice with some flagellot beans by the way. Oberschenkel is therefore just "upper shank", which also explains why "calf" is Unterschenkel. But sorry, these words are just silly. Can you imagine a footballer who's been crocked going "Ooo mein Oberschenkel"? No, nor me.

I was just listening to my guilty pleasure – the Absolute Eighties digital-radio station after eating a plate of pasta – when what should come on but "The Model" by German electro-synth outfit Kraftwerk. Their name, which is usually totally mangled by English-speaking types, has two halves: Kraft and werk. Kraft for some reason means "power". And werk is kind of obvious – it's a works or, in this case, a station. So Kraftwerk is "powerstation", which – perhaps intentionally – was also the name of another 80s band that was formed as an offshoot from another synth group of the time: Duran Duran. I should add that Kraftwerk was one of the few internationally successful German groups during the early 80s, unless you count the criminally bad "Goombay Dance Band", which I don't because they are shit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goombay_Dance_Band

Bier is one of those German words that's absolutely identical to English except for a tiny spelling difference, which is handy for anyone going drinking in Germany. Another near-neighbour is hier, which means here – and is pronounced the same, as "IE" in Gemran is always being pronounced "EE". It reminds me just how straightforward German spelling is, which is actually one of the unknown pleasures of the language. English is never quite as obvious as there seems no rhyme or reason why it should be beer and here not bere and heer.

The other thing to remember is that "EI" is pronounced "I" – as in EIN BIER. Or even better, ZWEI BIER. Or DREI. You get the drift.

This one's easy. Hand means "hand" of course. I guess when those Anglo-Saxon hoards came to Britain in the first millennium, it made sense for the locals to make sure they didn't muck around with those Germanic words for parts of the body - it avoids all that confusion especially if a swivel-eyed German nutter was about to chop off something that belonged to you.

But it's amazing that English and German have not diverged more on the bodily-parts front, even on spelling. So as well as Hand, other totally identical words are Finger, Arm and, er, Penis. Then there are some words that are almost the same, such as Haar, Lippe and Knie, for hair, lip and knee.

Some body parts are close relatives that you can kind of guess, like Mund, Nase and Kinn for mouth, nose and chin. But German, being German, it just can't resist having some daft, long words, the silliest culprits being Oberschenkel for thigh and Unterschenkel for calf. I'll explain those in more detail another time.

But back to hand. One word I particularly like in German and which illustrates nicely its love of compound nouns is Handschuh, which literally means "hand-shoe" - a glove. Neat, huh? Then you've got Handschlag (handshake), which I also like. ­Bayern Munich president Uli Hoeness used the word "Handschlag" to great effect in this ridiculous post-match outburst from 2012, in which he was quizzed about why Bayern coach Jupp Heynkes refused to shake the hand of Frank Ribery who was substituted in a Champions League match that Bayern lost 1-0. "Hört auf mit eurem Scheiß Handschlag", bellows Höness at the interviewer, followed swiftly by a string of other insults. "Shut up about your shitty handshake."

Steady on Uli...

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/111918/for-fks-sake-is-this-a-boarding-school-for-girls-hoeness-riled-by-questions-after-ribery-ducks-heyncke-handshake.html